One of the most fundamental human needs—and perhaps one of the most underestimated—is the need to feel emotionally safe.
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This is not about material security, financial stability, or the absence of objective danger. It is about something far more subtle and profound: the ability to truly relax, to lower one’s guard, to close one’s eyes and let go. To live from the inner assumption that, at a deeper level, things are okay. And that even if something does go wrong, we will be able to face it.
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For many people, this state is far from natural.
There are countless adults—intelligent, sensitive, highly educated, capable—who live with a constant underlying sense of not being safe. People who can rationally distinguish between real danger and imagined threat, yet who internally live as if something could collapse at any moment.

In recent years, this feeling has intensified even further. Not only has basic insecurity been present, but also the sense that whatever stability has been built with effort is now fragile, at risk. The way the world is narrated—often more than events themselves—feeds a pervasive atmosphere of uncertainty, loss of control, and emotional powerlessness. As if it was no longer possible to feel truly at ease, trusting that things will be okay—or that, even if they are not, we will be able to handle them.

Emotional Safety and the Inner Critic: A Deep Connection

There is a very close relationship between feeling safe and the inner critic.
Every human being learns what safety feels like at home, through their relationship with parents or primary caregivers. When this does not happen—or does not happen sufficiently—a state of chronic alertness develops. A background feeling that says: you are not truly safe.

This state profoundly influences behavior, and it does so in a very specific way: by amplifying the inner critic.
A sense develops that we are never quite enough, that we must stay vigilant because it is likely that what we do will not be adequate. As a result, we begin to monitor ourselves constantly.

Within this dynamic, the inner critic becomes a kind of guardian. It is the part of us that highlights everything that could go wrong, that anticipates criticism from others, that imagines risk scenarios. And so we become rigid, hyper-mental, controlling.

At first glance, this may look like protection. In reality, it is a cage.

Living in Alert Mode: When Control Replaces Trust

Living in a constant state of alert comes at a very high cost.
Internally, it makes it almost impossible to truly relax. Relationally, it limits intimacy, spontaneity, and the ability to show vulnerability. Because if we do not feel safe, opening ourselves is not an option.

This dynamic deeply interferes with romantic relationships, but also with friendships, work, and in the relationship with ourselves.
Living perpetually “on guard” means not being able to fully rely on others, not being able to trust deeply, not being able to receive support.

There is often great difficulty in asking for help, admitting weakness or insecurity, but also in allowing oneself to be comforted—or in offering that comfort to oneself. A very specific emotional ecosystem is created: exhausting, stressful, and wearing over time.
And the body, inevitably, is involved.

The Body as Witness and Ally

Chronic alertness is often accompanied by physical manifestations of stress: muscular tension, digestive issues, irritable bowel symptoms, disturbances in the gut. This is not coincidental.
The digestive system is often referred to as our “second brain” and is profoundly influenced by how we think and how we experience emotions.
Thoughts and emotions are deeply interconnected. When we live in a constant state of insecurity, the body loses its capacity for self-regulation. The internal balance—homeostasis—that could be much more peaceful is continuously disrupted.

Returning to Childhood—Without Blame

When we trace these patterns back to their origins, we often arrive at childhood.
But it is important to be very clear: having emotional wounds does not necessarily mean that parents “did something wrong.”
In most cases, parents truly do their best with the resources available to them—their level of awareness, their own unhealed wounds, their lived experience.
What often creates insecurity is the intersection—or mismatch—between parental capacities and the specific sensitivity of the child.

Some children have an exceptionally refined sensitivity, often accompanied by advanced cognitive or intellectual abilities. These children see, feel, and understand far more than adults tend to assume. If this sensitivity is not recognized and held appropriately, it can become disorienting.

A child who overhears adult conversations and understands far more than expected. A child who reads complex or emotionally intense books far too early. The implicit message that may be internalized is simple and powerful: the world is not a safe place.

Not out of neglect or malice, but out of misalignment between needs and capacity.

When the Inner Critic Stops Protecting

In these cases, safety does not become something internalized—it becomes something that must be constantly ensured.
And this is where the inner critic takes center stage.
“Be careful.”
“This could go wrong.”
“Are you sure this is safe?”
The critic brings scenarios, examples, hypothetical dangers—even when the risk is minimal.

In doing so, it does not protect. It amplifies the underlying insecurity, making it even harder to relax, trust, and feel at ease.

Reflection Questions

​You may want to take a few minutes to reflect on these questions—writing your answers down or simply noticing what arises:

• In which moments of my life do I most clearly feel emotionally unsafe?
• How does my inner critic show up when I am in a state of alert?
• What control strategies do I use to try to feel safe?
• How do these strategies affect my relationships?
• If I imagine my inner child, what would they need from me today?

By Lara Briozzo

For many women, the relationship with their mother is not simply part of their personal history.
It is a foundational layer of their inner world.
The mother is the first emotional environment we inhabit, the first mirror in which we learn who we are, and the first model of what it means to be a woman in relationship with life, with others, and with herself.
When this relationship is nurturing and emotionally attuned, it creates a deep sense of safety, belonging, and inner coherence.
When it is marked by emotional absence, inconsistency, overwhelm, or unmet needs, it can leave a lasting imprint — often referred to as the mother wound.
This wound may not always be visible, yet it quietly shapes self-worth, relationships, the ability to receive care, and the way a woman relates to her own needs.
Healing this wound does not necessarily require repairing the relationship with the mother as she is today.
For many women, the most profound healing begins elsewhere: in the development of an inner mother.
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What Is the Inner Mother?
​
The inner mother is not an idealized fantasy or a denial of reality.
She is a psychological, emotional, and embodied function that offers what may have been missing early in life.
She provides:

• emotional containment
• reassurance and validation
• protection and healthy boundaries
• warmth and consistency
• gentle guidance and inner orientation

Developing an inner mother means learning to relate to yourself in a way that is caring, stable, and respectful of your emotional and physical needs — especially in moments of vulnerability.


Why the Inner Mother Is Essential for Healing

When maternal care is insufficient, many women grow up adapting rather than being supported. They become strong, independent, hyper-responsible, pleasing, or emotionally self-sufficient — not as a free expression of who they are, but as a survival strategy.
Without an inner mother, the adult self may continue to:

• seek validation outside herself
• struggle with rest, softness, and receiving
• confuse love with self-sacrifice
• repeat relational patterns rooted in early neglect
• feel emotionally alone even when surrounded by others

The inner mother gently shifts this dynamic from the inside.
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Seeing the Real Mother Clearly

The inner mother cannot fully emerge while the real mother is still idealized or rejected entirely.
Healing begins when we allow ourselves to see our mother as she truly was — a complex human being shaped by her own history, wounds, limitations, and resources.
This does not mean excusing what hurt.
It means acknowledging reality with honesty and compassion.
Only then can the psyche release the unconscious hope that “one day she will finally become the mother I needed” and redirect that longing inward.


Identifying the Unmet Maternal Needs

Every inner mother is unique, because every mother wound is unique.
Some women missed emotional attunement, protection, encouragement, or warmth.
Others grew up with a mother who was overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, intrusive, critical, or dependent.
Healing requires naming what was missing — gently, without self-blame or minimization.
This clarity becomes the foundation for rebuilding what was not received.


How the Inner Mother Is Created

The inner mother is not created through insight alone.
She develops through repeated, embodied experiences of care.

A New Inner Voice

The inner mother speaks differently from the inner critic.
Her voice is calm, steady, and reassuring.
She says:

• “It makes sense that you feel this way.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “You are allowed to rest.”
• “You are safe enough right now.”

Over time, this voice becomes familiar and trustworthy.

Care for the Body

The inner mother lives in the body:

• through soothing touch
• regulated breathing
• nourishment and warmth
• rest and rhythm

As the body feels held, the nervous system gradually learns a new baseline of safety.

Protection and Boundaries

A good mother protects.
The inner mother learns to say no, to slow down, to step back, and to choose what is respectful and nourishing.
Boundaries are not rejection — they are an expression of care.

Gentle Structure

The inner mother also provides guidance and rhythm:

• regular sleep
• realistic expectations
• compassionate routines
• gentle discipline rather than pressure

This structure supports inner stability and trust.


A Symbolic Presence

Some women find it helpful to give the inner mother a symbolic form — an image, a color, a sensation, an archetypal figure, or a felt presence.
This is not regression.
It is a natural way the psyche organizes new internal structures and integrates healing experiences.

Look through magazines and allow images to call you. Don’t force them to make immediate sense. The rational mind will understand later. Intuition speaks faster—trust it.
Cut freely. Let your hands decide. At a certain moment you will feel you have “enough.” That is when you start arranging the images on your paper. Don’t glue too soon—play with positioning, look from a distance, feel the balance.
Ask yourself gently:
Do these images still excite me?
Is this really my desire—or something I think I should want?
This step is already a moment of self-knowledge.

A Space for Desire
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Place your collage somewhere visible. Let it accompany you. Look at it often, not to analyse it, but to stay close to the silent movement of desire.
You might repeat a short visualization now and then:
This is my desire. I surrender the path to the universe. Guide my steps. Show me what needs healing, learning, transforming, and what is already ripe.
You might discover that some desires don’t manifest. This is not failure. It’s information. Usually it means:

• some understanding or healing is still needed
  or
• the desire was not fully aligned with your essence

There is always a message.

A Companion for the Year Ahead

A vision board is not a prediction. It is a companion. A reflection of who you are becoming. A reminder of what your soul is ready to cultivate.
In this deep moment of winter, when nature rests in darkness, allow yourself to rest into possibility. Allow images to speak. Allow desire to guide you. Allow the universe to surprise you.
May your vision board become a doorway into a year that feels aligned with who you truly are, and who you are becoming.

Image from 'The Elemental Oracle' by Stacey Demarco

That’s why I created the retreat Back to Your True Nature — a weekend in the quiet beauty of North Holland designed to help you pause, breathe, and listen. In those two days, nature becomes your ally and mirror: what you experience outside becomes a doorway to what you discover inside.
Our minds are constantly stimulated, especially in the fast pace of life abroad — building a career, adjusting to a new culture, juggling responsibilities. But just like a forest renews itself in silence and rest, you also need moments of stillness to restore your own balance.
In psychological terms, nature gently activates the parasympathetic nervous system — the body’s “rest and digest” response. It calms your heartbeat, softens tension, and quiets the internal noise that often covers your intuition. In spiritual terms, we could say that nature opens the space where your soul can be heard again.
This is not about escaping your daily life. It’s about remembering who you are beneath the noise — and letting that remembrance become the medicine that heals.

Image from 'The Elemental Oracle' by Stacey Demarco

​🧠 The Foundation: Love as an Attachment Bond
At the heart of EFT is the idea that romantic love is an emotional attachment, not unlike the bond between a child and caregiver. Just as children seek safety, comfort, and closeness from a secure base, adults in romantic relationships seek the same from their partners.
Sue Johnson’s core question is simple but profound: “Are you there for me?”
We all want to know:

• Can I count on you?
• Will you respond when I’m vulnerable?
• Will you stay close when I need you most?

When the answer to these questions feels uncertain, we react—often with anger, withdrawal, or anxiety—not because we don’t care, but because we feel emotionally threatened.


🔁 The Negative Cycle: Fighting for Connection
According to EFT, most couples get stuck in a negative interaction cycle—a repeating emotional loop where both people are actually trying to protect the relationship, but in ways that push the other away.
For example:

• One partner feels distant and protests by criticizing or demanding.
• The other partner feels attacked and shuts down or withdraws.
• This creates more panic in the first partner—and the cycle continues.

EFT doesn’t blame either person. It views both as caught in a pattern that is emotionally driven and based on attachment needs. The goal isn’t to “win” the argument but to understand what’s underneath the surface: the longing for reassurance, closeness, and love.


💬 The Three Stages of EFT
EFT is a structured approach, usually done in a series of therapy sessions, and it follows three main stages:
1. De-escalation
The therapist helps the couple recognize and name the negative cycle they’re stuck in. Instead of blaming each other, they learn to see the cycle as the real problem.
2. Restructuring Interactions
Partners begin to access and express deeper emotions—like fear, sadness, or the need to feel valued. These vulnerable conversations open the door to emotional responsiveness and healing.
3. Consolidation and Integration
Once emotional safety is restored, couples learn new ways to engage and support each other. They feel more secure and resilient, even during stress or conflict.


❤️ Why EFT Works
What makes EFT so effective is its deep respect for emotional experience. It doesn’t just teach communication techniques; it transforms the emotional foundation of the relationship.
EFT helps couples:

• Understand and express their core emotional needs
• Respond to each other with empathy and presence
• Repair past hurts and rebuild trust
• Create a secure bond that can weather life’s storms

EFT has been shown to be effective in over 70–90% of cases, with lasting results. It’s especially helpful for couples facing issues like emotional disconnection, infidelity, trauma, or chronic conflict.


🌿 In Summary
Emotionally Focused Therapy isn’t about fixing each other—it’s about finding each other again. It reminds us that beneath every complaint is a plea: “I want to feel close to you. I want to know you care.”
Through the power of vulnerability and emotional attunement, EFT gives couples a way back to connection, one heartfelt conversation at a time.
If your relationship feels stuck or strained, know this: it’s not because you’re broken—it’s because you’re longing to feel safe again. And that is something that can be healed, together.

​From problem to desire: a shift in perspective
On a rational level, moving from solving problems to nurturing desires can feel like a leap into the unknown.
Problems are concrete; you know how they work: you analyze them, diagnose them, and work on them until you find a solution. Once solved, you file them away. And if they remain unresolved, they tend to grow heavier over time.
Desires, on the other hand, work differently. They don’t need to be “fixed”: they ignite within you, offering pleasure and opening up possibilities. They may or may not come true, yet they still nourish your life simply by existing. The act of desiring enriches you the moment you do it.
Think of desire as an inner flame: when you tend to it, it lights up your present and points you in a direction. It doesn’t matter if you reach exactly that point or if the journey takes you elsewhere—the energy that moves you will already be transformative in itself.


But… are we still able to desire?
For many people, desire is like a muscle that’s gone a bit unused.
Daily life, responsibilities, and routines often push us to make choices that are functional, safe, and predictable. We get used to thinking more about what is “needed” than about what we would actually “like.”
Let me give you a simple example.
When you order water at a restaurant, do you really choose what you desire or do you stick to your usual safe choice? Do you allow yourself to decide if you want it still or sparkling, cold or at room temperature, with a slice of lemon or a sprig of mint? Or do you avoid being “too picky” with such specific requests?
And when you get dressed in the morning, do you pick clothes that reflect how you feel and the energy you want to project that day? Or do you tend to stick to what “looks good” or is “appropriate” for your work environment, even if it doesn’t fully represent you?
Small gestures like these reveal how much space you allow your desires in everyday life—and, by extension, how much freedom you give yourself to imagine and create a life that feels more like your own.


Stepping out of your comfort zone
Desiring is also an act of courage.
It means asking yourself: What are the boundaries of my comfort zone? How can I expand them? How much freedom do I allow myself to feel and to want?
Answering these questions is like drawing a map: it helps you see where you are and what path you want to take to get to where you dream of being.
But to do this, you need training—you need to re-educate your mind and heart to formulate desires that are clear, free, and powerful.


The “muscle” of desire: the 101 desires technique
The method I’m sharing with you today is a tool I deeply love and have seen transform lives: the 101 desires technique, introduced in Italy by Igor Sibaldi and based on simple yet powerful rules.
This is not an exercise to complete in one evening. It could take you weeks or even months. But every step you take will help you reactivate that part of you that knows how to dream without self-censorship.
Here are the main rules:

1. Use no more than 14 words for each desire. This forces you to be clear and focused, without unnecessary details.
2. Always start with “I want…”. At first, it may feel bold, but here we’re training your freedom to ask.
3. Write in the affirmative form. Avoid negatives like “I don’t want” or “stop doing…”.
4. No comparisons with others. Desire should come from you, not from measuring yourself against someone else.
5. Avoid serial desires. Group similar things into one desire, then move on.
6. Don’t ask for money—ask for what you want to achieve with it.
7. No diminutives. Words like “little house” or “small job” diminish the value of what you want.
8. Only write desires for yourself. You can include others only in terms of the good you can do for them, without interfering with their path.
9. Avoid naming specific people in relationship desires. Instead, describe the qualities you want to experience.
10. Seek the inner smile. Each desire should bring you joy just by thinking about it.

​In this blog, we’ll explore how to shift your attachment style, support your partner’s growth, and build a relationship where both people can feel secure and thrive.


🌱 What Does Secure Attachment Look Like?
People with secure attachment aren’t perfect. They still get upset, feel vulnerable, and face conflict. But what makes them different is how they respond—both to themselves and to others.
Characteristics of secure attachment:

• Comfort with closeness and independence
• Clear, direct communication of feelings and needs
• Willingness to repair after conflict
• Trust in their partner’s availability and goodwill
• Ability to regulate emotions without shutting down or lashing out

In short: security is about feeling emotionally safe, even in challenging moments.


🔄 Steps to Move Toward Secure Attachment
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
The first step in healing is noticing your attachment behaviors. This includes:

• Your triggers in moments of stress or distance
• Your internal narratives (“They’re going to leave me” or “I can’t depend on anyone”)
• The ways you cope with emotional discomfort

Start observing these patterns with curiosity, not shame. They were once your best strategy for survival.
2. Learn to Self-Soothe
Secure attachment starts within. Instead of relying solely on your partner to calm your anxiety or validate your worth, begin building the skill of self-regulation:

• Practice grounding techniques (breathwork, body scans, journaling)
• Talk to your inner child with compassion
• Create rituals of emotional safety (a daily check-in, time in nature, supportive affirmations)

The more you can stay connected to yourself during emotional storms, the more you can stay present with others.
3. Express Needs with Clarity and Care
Unmet needs often lead to frustration, withdrawal, or blame. Instead, practice identifying what you’re really needing and expressing it without pressure or accusation.
Instead of: “You never make time for me.”
Try: “I’ve been missing quality time with you. Can we plan something just for us this weekend?”
The goal is not perfection, but emotional honesty delivered with respect.
4. Choose Relationships That Support Growth
Not every relationship is a safe place to heal. It’s essential to be with someone who:

• Is open to emotional growth
• Can listen without immediately defending
• Is willing to reflect and repair
• Shows consistent presence, even during hard moments

If you're in a relationship now, have an honest conversation about attachment needs. Mutual understanding can turn the relationship itself into a healing force.


👫 Growing Together: How Couples Can Build Security
If both partners are willing to engage with their patterns, a powerful transformation is possible.
What secure couples do:

• Talk openly about fears and needs
• Validate each other’s emotions, even when they don’t agree
• Take breaks during conflict without abandoning the connection
• Revisit disagreements with care, not punishment
• Celebrate progress, not perfection

Even if only one partner begins this work, the dynamic can shift. Emotional safety is contagious.


Healing attachment wounds doesn’t mean becoming someone else. It means becoming more fully yourself—free from fear, shame, and old survival strategies.
As you build emotional resilience, learn to express your needs, and surround yourself with people who can meet you with presence and empathy, your attachment style naturally shifts toward security.
The path toward secure love is not linear, but it is possible. And it starts every time you choose self-awareness over reactivity, connection over defensiveness, and love over fear.

​💬 How Attachment Styles Show Up in Relationships
Here’s how each attachment style tends to behave when needs are activated or threatened:
✴️ Secure Attachment

• Comfortable with intimacy and space
• Can ask for what they need directly
• Can soothe themselves and co-regulate with their partner
• Navigates conflict without escalating

⚠️ Anxious Attachment

• Highly sensitive to signs of disconnection
• May over-communicate, overthink, or cling
• Often fears being “too much” but struggles to self-soothe
• Conflict may feel overwhelming or deeply personal

🧊 Avoidant Attachment

• Tends to withdraw or shut down during emotional conversations
• May prioritize logic over feeling
• Has difficulty expressing needs or vulnerability
• Often needs space but struggles to communicate that in a reassuring way

⚡ Disorganized Attachment

• Swings between craving closeness and fearing it
• May test boundaries or create chaos to feel in control
• Fears both abandonment and engulfment
• Experiences intense emotional highs and lows in relationships

Understanding these patterns can explain why some couples fall into the infamous “pursuer–withdrawer” dynamic, where one partner demands connection while the other retreats further. It’s not about bad intentions—it’s about two nervous systems trying to protect themselves in different ways.


🔥 Conflict Through the Lens of Attachment
Conflict doesn’t damage relationships—unrepaired conflict does. Attachment styles influence how we perceive threats and how we attempt to restore connection:

• Anxious individuals may amplify their distress, seeking closeness as a way to regulate
• Avoidant individuals may downplay their needs, becoming cold or distant to feel safe
• Disorganized individuals may oscillate between both, feeling panicked and then numb

These reactions aren’t random. They’re rooted in early relational experiences that taught us how safe (or unsafe) it was to express emotion, ask for help, or depend on others.


💡 How to Respond Consciously Instead of Reacting Automatically
The good news is: awareness creates choice. You don’t have to be trapped in your old attachment script.
Here are a few key practices:
1. Notice Your Triggers
Pause when you feel emotionally activated. Ask:

• What emotion am I feeling right now?
• What fear or belief might be underneath this reaction?
• What do I need—but feel afraid to ask for?

2. Name the Pattern, Not the Problem
Instead of “You never listen,” try “When I feel disconnected, I tend to pursue, and I know that puts pressure on you. Can we slow down and talk this through?”
Bringing awareness to the pattern lowers defensiveness and invites cooperation.
3. Practice Repair After Conflict
No matter your style, learn to say:

• “I got overwhelmed, and I shut down.”
• “I overreacted because I was scared of losing you.”
• “I need some time to cool down, but I care about this conversation.”

…builds safety and trust over time.


🌱 Healing Is a Two-Way Street
While individual healing is crucial, relationships can also be a powerful container for growth. When partners become aware of each other’s attachment needs and learn how to respond with empathy and boundaries, the relationship becomes more secure—even if it didn’t start out that way.


Attachment styles aren’t just concepts—they’re emotional reflexes. But you’re not doomed to repeat the past. Every moment of tension is a chance to slow down, get curious, and choose love over fear.

​🧠 What Is an Attachment Style?
Your attachment style is a set of unconscious strategies you developed to navigate connection and protection. When your emotional needs were met consistently as a child, you likely developed a secure attachment. If love was unpredictable, unavailable, or unsafe, your nervous system adapted by creating strategies to cope—resulting in an insecure attachment style.
There are four main styles:
1. Secure Attachment
You’re comfortable with both closeness and space. You trust others, express your needs clearly, and recover well from conflict. You feel emotionally safe—both with yourself and with others.
2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
You crave connection but fear abandonment. You may overanalyze, seek constant reassurance, or feel rejected easily. Deep down, you’re afraid that you’re not lovable unless you earn someone’s attention.
3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
You value independence and often downplay emotions. You may withdraw when things get intense or avoid vulnerability to stay in control. Underneath, there's often a fear that closeness means loss of self or getting hurt.
4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
You experience a painful inner conflict—you long for intimacy but also fear it. This style often stems from trauma or chaotic caregiving. Relationships may feel unpredictable, intense, or unsafe.


🔍 How to Identify Your Style
You might recognize your attachment style by noticing your emotional triggers and behavior in close relationships:

• Do you fear being too needy, or do you fear being too vulnerable?
• Do you worry about being abandoned, or do you feel relieved when you get space?
• Do you avoid asking for help or feel resentful when your needs aren’t noticed?

It can also help to look back at your childhood caregiving environment:

• Were your caregivers consistently available and responsive?
• Were your emotions welcomed or dismissed?
• Did you have to grow up quickly or take care of others?

No style is “better” or “worse”—they are all adaptations to your emotional environment. And the good news is that your attachment style is not set in stone.


💡 Why Knowing Your Style Matters
Understanding your attachment style helps you:

• Identify patterns in how you connect and disconnect
• Respond to conflict with more awareness and less reactivity
• Understand your partner’s behavior with more compassion
• Heal limiting beliefs around love and worthiness

It also opens the door to transformation. When you know what’s driving your reactions, you can choose to respond differently. You begin to shift from automatic patterns to conscious connection.


🛤️ Take the First Step
If you're serious about creating deeper, healthier relationships, start by getting to know your attachment style. It’s not about self-judgment—it’s about self-awareness. The more clearly you understand your emotional blueprint, the more freedom you have to rewrite it.