Stonewalling – When Silence Hurts

• What stonewalling looks like (and why it’s often misunderstood)
• Physiological and emotional shutdown
• Gender dynamics and stress responses
• Insight: co-regulation and self-soothing as tools for reconnection
• Antidote: taking breaks and returning with presence
• Real-life case (fictionalized): a partner learning to stay emotionally engaged

Stonewalling – When Silence Becomes a Wall in Relationships

Sometimes, silence isn’t peaceful — it’s painful. When a partner shuts down emotionally, refuses to engage, or walks away in the middle of a discussion, it can feel like abandonment. This behavior, known as stonewalling, is the fourth Horseman in Dr. John Gottman’s model of destructive communication patterns — and one of the most misunderstood.
Unlike criticism, contempt, or defensiveness, stonewalling isn’t overtly aggressive. It may even seem calm. But in reality, it’s a sign of deep emotional distress — and if left unaddressed, it can slowly collapse the emotional connection between partners.


What Stonewalling Looks Like

Stonewalling occurs when someone becomes emotionally flooded and shuts down to avoid further conflict. Rather than expressing anger, fear, or frustration, they go silent, disengage, or physically leave the space.

Common signs include:

• Refusing to answer or respond
• Looking away, down, or into space
• Flat facial expression, lack of eye contact
• Walking out mid-conversation
• Saying things like “Whatever,” or “I’m done”

What makes stonewalling so hurtful is the absence of presence. It creates emotional distance that feels like rejection.


Why People Stonewall: It’s Not Just Avoidance

Stonewalling isn’t always a choice — it’s often a stress response. When conflict becomes too intense, the nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight mode, and some people shut down (a “freeze” response). Their heart rate spikes, they stop processing language effectively, and they simply can’t engage anymore.
In other words, they’re not trying to hurt their partner — they’re trying to survive the moment.


The Damage It Causes

Even if it’s not intentional, stonewalling sends a clear message:

“I’m not here with you.”

Over time, this can lead to:

• A loss of emotional safety
• Feelings of abandonment or loneliness
• Conflicts that never get resolved
• A pattern where one partner chases and the other withdraws

This pursuer-distancer dynamic is incredibly common in relationships — and it rarely ends well unless both partners learn to respond differently.


The Antidote: Self-Soothing and Reconnection

Gottman’s antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing — learning how to regulate your nervous system so you can stay emotionally available in conflict.

Step 1: Recognize the signs.

Do you feel overwhelmed, tense, unable to think clearly? That’s a sign it’s time to pause.

Step 2: Communicate your need for a break.

Say something like:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I care about this conversation, but I need 20 minutes to calm down. Let’s come back to it soon.”

Step 3: Use the break well.

This is not the time to ruminate or replay the argument. Go for a walk, breathe deeply, stretch — anything that soothes your body and mind.

Step 4: Return and repair.

Come back when you’re ready. Start fresh, and express your desire to reconnect.


Therapy in Action: Turning Withdrawal Into Connection

In one therapy session, a woman described feeling “abandoned” every time her husband walked away during arguments. He, on the other hand, said, “If I don’t leave, I’ll explode. I don’t know how else to cope.”
Through the sessions, he learned to say:
“I need a break. I’ll come back, I promise.”
And he did. That one act — the promise of return — changed everything. She felt considered, he felt safe, and their conversations started to deepen.


Reflection Prompts

• Do I tend to shut down or withdraw during conflict?
• Can I identify what happens in my body when I feel overwhelmed?
• How can I ask for space without closing the door on connection?

Final Thoughts: Silence Doesn’t Have to Mean Goodbye

Stonewalling may feel like protection, but it creates more distance than safety. Healthy relationships require presence — not constant agreement, but the willingness to stay emotionally connected even in tough moments.
If you find yourself stonewalling, remember: taking space is okay. Disappearing isn’t.
You don’t have to power through every argument. But you do have to come back — with intention, presence, and the willingness to rebuild.