I have heard many men say that they want an "intelligent woman" in their life.
I would encourage them to think well.
Girls and intelligent women make their own decisions,
have their own desires and set boundaries.
You will never be the center of her life because she revolves around them.
An intelligent woman will not allow you to manipulate or blackmail her.
She is responsible for her actions.
Working with couples I often find myself talking about how emotions work, who creates them and who is responsible for them. We often say things like: "you make me angry" or "you hurt me" and what happens after a similar statement usually goes in one of two directions: either total denial of what the other says "it's not true", or 'but what did I do?' or the other feels guilty. Neither reaction helps the communication.
The theme of communication is so crucial for everybody these days. It doesn't matter if you are a professional leading people, a stay at home mother, a job seeker, a single in search of a partner, happy or unhappy in a relationship or something else in your life at the moment, you are communicating every day, all day. You communicate with your words, with your silence, with the speed of reaction with your tone and with your image.
Communication mistake to avoid
Many people desire to be more self-confident, self-assured and developing an healthy self-image. An inner sense of being too prone to pleasing and too easy to manipulate or being walked over lead to frustration, anger and sometimes inner outburst of fury. But when it comes to stand your ground and guard your boundaries arises a conflict that becomes a block:
How can I be assertive without being aggressive?
Many researches have been done on what make a couple happy on the long term and one of the most interesting findings is about what seems to be a sure recipe for the end of a relationship.
These short list of killers of a relationship was develop by Dr Gottman and goes under the name of the four horsemen of the apocalypse:
Criticism is the first one. When what the other does or say is never good enough. The antidote is to express yourself with 'I' messages and therefore talk about what you think and feel.
The second is contempt, that sense of superiority that drives you to behave as if the other is a lost cause. The antidote is reinforcing the positive, be grateful and express all that is good.
The third is defensiveness and it is about viewing oneself as the victim and the other as the responsible one. The antidote here is to take responsibility for how you contribute to the situation.
The last is stonewalling and it has to do with stepping out of contact, withdrawing from communication with the other. The antidote is about taking for some time to regroup and come back to engage when ready.
If you want to see if any of these apply in your relationship, make sure you question yourself not your partner, make sure you don't do any of these.
I just came across this video of under 2 minutes that I find so powerful that deserves a place in this blog, for you to find and enjoy too one day.
Be inspired, feel empowered and remember that your worth is not negotiable.
One of the main cause of crisis in a relationship is the challenges brought about by the birth of children.
In essence parents get a second full time job on top of the one they already have and no instruction whatsoever on how to go about being a good parent.
I have been there and I have seen many others go through that with pain, sense of failure and frustration.
Raising your children should be a love quest, a great adventure full of learning moment. Having a child with the one you love should be a coronation of that love, not the end of it.
I came across this video today that seems to answer in short some of the fundamental questions about what is really important to give to children as we raise them.
I resonate with what Gabor Mate says and for this reason I share it here hoping it will reach more people that can be inspired and supported by this message.
There is so much richness available online.
This is a tip from me. A documentary that explains and inspires an healthier and more naturally connected life.
After watching this documentary I went took off my shoes and walked miles. Putting back my shoes felt so unnatural and kind of the end of the party.
In the last couple of day I have been remembering a lot of my dreams and really felt they were interacting with my life, giving me signals and information for me to stay still and reflect.
I also always ask clients if they remember dreams as dreams can bring such powerful messages about your life and your developmental process.
Inspired by my personal dreaming storm I decided to share how I work with my own dreams. When I help clients work with their own dream there is much more possible, I can guide other back inside their dreams and explore in depth the meaning of them. However, there is a lot that you can do on your own, as I do, to receive the gift the dream is bringing you.
Do you want a therapist that shows you the way or one that helps you finding your own way from the inside out?
I have had a number of free introduction meeting this week where I explain how I work to different people, from different backgrounds and countries and I found myself reflecting on myself as therapist.
With a bit of a generalization you could say that the traditional role of the therapist is the one of guide: the wise person that dispense knowledge and advice so that the patient can improve, learn useful things and live better.
In the last past decennia there are a lot of discovery in the science of therapy and new views have emerged. There is more and more a focus on putting the client (not anymore patient) at the center of the process.