Many people desire to be more self-confident, self-assured and developing an healthy self-image. An inner sense of being too prone to pleasing and too easy to manipulate or being walked over lead to frustration, anger and sometimes inner outburst of fury. But when it comes to stand your ground and guard your boundaries arises a conflict that becomes a block:
How can I be assertive without being aggressive?
It is often difficult to answer the question: How do you feel? It is daunting really to pin point exactly what it is that you feel at that moment.
Sometimes is because the feeling is complex, would require an explanation.
Sometimes we are just so not used to talk about our feelings that we are lost for words. Other times we are so scared to reveal what we feel, we get lost in trying to translate our sensations into something acceptable.
The reason good therapists always ask you about how you feel, it is not to torture you in one of the ways described above, but uniquely because emotion matters.
‘Emotional loneliness comes from not having enough emotional intimacy with other people. It may start in childhood, due to feeling emotionally unseen… If it’s been a life long feeling, it points to the likelihood of not being sufficiently responded to as a child.’ This is a definition taken from the book of Lindsay C. Gibson.
When I think back to the many people I met in my practice suffering from emotional loneliness I feel that the most important messages needs to be:
- If you feel it, it is valid, no validation needed from others;
- If you feel it, it means you have the capacity to feel it so , not that there is something wrong with you;
- If you feel it, is because you need to feel it in some way, honor it;
The adults of today didn’t learn at school or at home to manage emotions. This is unfortunately true for the majority of people. What is also been scientifically proven is that stress (the general word for emotional distress) is behind just about all illnesses: from psychic discomfort to physical sicknesses.
If we could manage emotions better, we could manage stress better and if we could manage stress better we may become tangibly less sick both psychically and physically. Wouldn’t that be something to work happily towards?