Working with couples I often find myself talking about how emotions work, who creates them and who is responsible for them. We often say things like: "you make me angry" or "you hurt me" and what happens after a similar statement usually goes in one of two directions: either total denial of what the other says "it's not true", or 'but what did I do?' or the other feels guilty. Neither reaction helps the communication.
The theme of communication is so crucial for everybody these days. It doesn't matter if you are a professional leading people, a stay at home mother, a job seeker, a single in search of a partner, happy or unhappy in a relationship or something else in your life at the moment, you are communicating every day, all day. You communicate with your words, with your silence, with the speed of reaction with your tone and with your image.
Communication mistake to avoid
One of the main cause of crisis in a relationship is the challenges brought about by the birth of children.
In essence parents get a second full time job on top of the one they already have and no instruction whatsoever on how to go about being a good parent.
I have been there and I have seen many others go through that with pain, sense of failure and frustration.
Raising your children should be a love quest, a great adventure full of learning moment. Having a child with the one you love should be a coronation of that love, not the end of it.
I came across this video today that seems to answer in short some of the fundamental questions about what is really important to give to children as we raise them.
I resonate with what Gabor Mate says and for this reason I share it here hoping it will reach more people that can be inspired and supported by this message.
Reaching a deeper level of intimacy is a desire many partners have. Even couple that consider themselves happy, often desire to reach a deeper level of intimate connection.
Learn how to be present can be a great way to move in that direction. When I use the term 'presence' I mean the open attitude, heart connected to heart stand, where both partners show up with their truth and hold space for each other's truth.
We are all seeds that became trees in time and we keep growing in more majestic, wise and powerful trees every day. We cannot stop is and we probably wouldn't if we could.
Life shapes our branches with all experiences that cross our path and all the reaction that we choose to have.
When you share your life path with a partner, your tree start to grow branches intertwined with the branches of your loved one and if you have children the seeds that your children come from will grow not far from you and supported by your presence.
1- Focus on criticism and above all on everything that has happened since you know each other and that proves that your partner is wrong;
All of us confronted directly or indirectly with an affair have asked themselves this question and realized there is not a straightforward answer.
However there are some important reflection that I would like to share to look at your relationship in a way that I believe is going to make cheating less likely.
The first very important suggestion I would give you is to talk about what you consider cheating with your partner. Be aware that there are often big differences between what you and your partner consider cheating. Be honest about what you would consider cheating if you partner did it and check if the same standard would also apply if you were having that same behavior.
1- What you consider cheating may be completely different from what your partner believe is cheating;
2- The reason people cheat is less obvious that you may think: more often that not it is about something the cheater misses and therefore looks for inside him/herself;
3- Every couple affected by an affaire has to make sense of what that experience is going to mean for them: there are many possible outcome, cheating can trigger many really different reactions.
Sex is still considered a taboo, maybe not the loud sex used in advertisements, but surely the intimate, erotic experience that lovers share.
It is a pity, really, because is not rocket science, you just need to be prepared to reflect on yourself and your experience, reveal to yourself what you really like and want and then maybe, to share your new found self also with your romantic partner to create an intimate erotic relationship.
To get you started in the personal journey and the relationship journey I share this podcast (see video below) and I add some question you can use for your self-reflection and self-discovery.
How do you turn yourself on?
How do you awaken your desire?
How do you ignite your desire?
Do you believe that you deserve to want and desire?
How does imagination sustain desire in your life?
How do you explore eroticism in your relationship?
How do you engage in your relationship?
Do you consider women sexuality a duty? Do you live by what you believe?
Do you give yourself permission to surrender and loose control?
I am not a great fan of giving tips,
I would rather help you understand what is going on underneath the surface so that you can figure out yourself the tips you need to function better and feel more fulfilled, intimate and safe in your relationship.
This said, if I find good tips for relationships, that I know works because they address the core issue of majority of relationships, than I share them very gladly.
The information shared here are simply presented and at the same time, touch the essence of what goes wrong in relationship and how to change course.