Now imagine you identified a conflict and you found out the need hidden needs behind the conflict and you also know what the fear is and the desire.
You have yourself figured out and you feel you can take care of yourself, feel better and approach things differently, more to your liking.
How powerful does that feel?
You stay now strong in your own shoes and can communicate differently.
There is a tight relationship between conflicts and fear.
Fears need to be acknowledged to make a first important step toward an healthy and healing resolution of conflicts.
Write them all down, all of your fears with regards to this one conflict you are working on. Take at least 10 minute to do that and allow yourself to dig deeper and let out also the scary thoughts.
Fear is the opposite of love. This means that when our actions and our words are driven from fear they don’t come from the heart.
That’s a pity, really, because when we can speak from the heart we often don’t have conflict.
Conflict are originated far too often from communication driven by fear, unconscious, invisible fear, that our needs will not being met.
Of course conflicts are unpleasant and it is only natural that we try to avoid them.
What are the ways we avoid conflict?
‘De NILE is not a river in Egypt,
DENIAL is, however, one of the most common problems when it comes to resolving conflicts’
What may behind such a conversation that doesn’t sounds like a big conflict yet, however, doesn’t sounds like harmony either.
J: This is not right!
K: Yes it is!
J: I’m sure this is supposed to be different.
K: Believe me it has been meticulously checked.
It is sad to say but it is a fact, we regularly experience conflicts within ourselves and in our environment.
Another undeniable fact is that most of us go out of their way to avoid facing a conflict.
What a pity!
Many believe the balance is achieved by staying away from the opposites. By standing still and neutral in front of a polarization. I believed it too and tried so hard for so long to achieve that standard and then I discovered that it doesn't work.
I literally mean that the 'balance game' doesn't work like that. Is actually the opposite movement that will achieve the result of bringing you into balance.
Curiosity doesn’t traditionally play much of a role in conflicts, not even when we try to solve them. The desire is often more directed on explaining our reason than on listening the reason of the other. Inquiry about the background of the problem at hand is a rare phenomenon.
Why is that?
I believe the lack of curiosity in de midst of a conflict has to do with two main aspects:
When we are in a conflicts we tend to be pulled towards the affirmation of what we want. Being both parties so engaged in this exercise of asserting dominance inevitably something get lost in translations.
Think of countries, religious or political groups that have been fighting each other for 10 or 20 years and have learned so little about the other in all that time.
The Dalai Lama say that when you talk you learn nothing, you may be right, but you learn nothing, only when you listening you can open up to learning.
Think of one conflict you find yourself in at the moment or the last you had and reflect on what where your motivation to hold on to the conflict or to enter the conflict in first place.
Then you can consider what you know about the motivation of the other party in the conflict. Do you actually know what the motivation of the other is?
Often conflicts are seen as a simple match between parties, both sure to be right and both prepared to have a fight over it. One will win, the other will lose. Unfortunately the efforts and all the attention tends to go to the goal of winning, rather than to finding a solution that improve the situation.