Family Constellation: Toxic Loyalties

Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

The concealed  bond that links us with our family of origin has an unsuspected influence on our life.

The unconscious loyalties we have with our family are too often toxic and we end up taking on us the destiny and the emotional baggage of our ancestor.
And then we have problems in relationships, in work, health that we struggle to solve.
This is the main concept behind the systemic theory and its application: family constellations. 
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The toxic loyalties that we have towards our family are a form of love that is as unconditional as unaware. It's healthy alternative would be aware love: this is the kind of love that stems out honoring ourselves and our happiness.  

When we function under the effect of an unconscious loyalty we can find ourself reliving the destiny of a family member that came before us, a parent, an uncle or an ancestor further up the line.
The unconscious motivation that lead us to be loyal to our family even if to a great cost for ourself is the need, often unconscious, to feel innocent, to be good in the eye of the family, to belong, to be loved.
The two main ways we are loyal is by repeating what has happened to a family member or to repair what happened to a family member.
When I repeat, for instance, I may end up in a relationship with a partner with whom I am in continuous conflict because unconsciously I want to repeat what my parents conflictful relationship.
When I repair, alternatively,  I may choose to become a doctor to heal the illness one or more family members suffered or died of.